That pesky thing called a birth certificate and ageism.
We are told not to judge a book by its cover — which of course when it comes to books is a paradox. We make our choices online almost instantaneously by that very thing, but when it comes to people we try, these days, not to judge. Hmm.
“I’m not judging you” is a popular refrain these days and if I’m being honest, one I struggle with. I absolutely don’t jump to conclusions as I used to. I’m much more mindful and sensitive to the world of possibilities that may have occurred for the person in front of me to look and act the way they do.
One of my very early faux pas comes to mind on this subject. Picture this: I arrive via the back entrance to the large property as instructed. Sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over a newspaper, is an elderly grey-haired lady. I enthusiastically introduce myself, shake her hand and say: “Lovely to meet you. No need to get up. I’ll just get my bag out of the car and then you can tell me about lunch.”
At this point the inner kitchen door opens and in strides another elderly grey-haired lady. The lady seated waves her arm in her direction: “This is the lady you will be looking after…!”
How to make friends and influence people… not.
As so many clients needing live-in care have already reached their 90s you would imagine they are pretty much ‘set in their ways’ — and why not?! From experience though, it’s not always the shared interests that make that invaluable connection between client and carer. Sometimes, new interests can come out of nowhere.
I have a passion for architecture and shared this interest with many a client over the years, one of whom said when a friend observed, “I understand you were an architect?” — “No,” she replied firmly, “I am an architect!” However, she could not bear my favourite TV programme, Grand Designs. “They make so many mistakes…” apparently.
A shared sense of humour and getting to know the person, not the age, goes a long way in creating long lasting relationships with our clients.
Another client listed her passion for music but I soon discovered she didn’t like it being played in the house — only in concert halls.
So in the same way that age can be merely a number, it seems shared interests aren’t the foolproof answer either. Although shared passions can obviously help bridge the gap, I still think adaptability and a similar sense of humour are ideal.
But how to quantify a sense of humour though, is a tough one.
After thirty-one years of caring for people around the UK I have to say that the north/south divide is still evident — although always happy to be proved wrong. In other words, people in the Midlands and the north west wear their humour upfront.
So whilst some clients love to hear about a carer’s adventures, others simply want life to carry on as normal. They need a carer who offers support without overwhelming the client with information or suggestions to do things differently. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
Then of course there are clients who love to share their passions. That is one of the great things about this way of life. You suddenly find yourself interested in a new hobby thanks to someone possibly twice your age.
My biggest surprise was with a client many years ago who, through her obsession, got me interested in football! I recall at the time my dad thought I had been cloned.
Ageism is daft. Life is about shared experiences. Both ways.
As live-in carers we have a golden opportunity to share and broaden our horizons whilst knowing that we are being worthwhile and making a difference however small. Meanwhile, when the client is English — may I suggest you make ‘the perfect’ cup of tea and then all will be well. I had an aunt whose three grown up children and numerous grandchildren could never quite get it right. Sometimes, you can’t win — but we do try.